Over the last year, I thought a lot about this question: “what’s next?”
Do I want to continue to live in Zurich, or should I plan my next and potentially final move? What should I do next now that I have the means to decide things on my own terms? These questions made me anxious again.
I had been anxious for years before it finally got better. The anxiety was mostly due to financial stress. I have very fond memories of growing up in rural China but reality hit as soon as I had a better understanding of things. Goodbye bittersweet childhood, hello heightened anxiety. From my teenage years to my early twenties, I don’t remember a time I was able to truly relax. Even when I took the first long distance trip to Cuba from Canada in my late 20s, when I was lying on a chair on the sandy beach in Varadero, I couldn’t relax.
Over the last few years, things got a lot better and I was finally able to truly relax. I was able to float in the ocean with no tension in my body and nothing would be in my mind. It was paradise. It was an unbelievably long journey to something many people take for granted — the ability to relax. I treasure this newly found peace of mind and have developed an allergy to stress and anxiety inducing situations and people. I’d avoid them whenever I could. I err on the side of caution.
Unfortunately when things did get messy and stressful, when I couldn’t avoid the situation or the person, I found myself even more anxious than before. Avoidance can only go so far. And I realized it’s not a viable option in the long term. Life can be an unavoidable mess sometimes and I need to be fine with that. I wish to navigate life with more grace in the future.
The unwillingness to get into stressful situations prevents me from growing as a person. I’d like to try new things where I’d fail a lot, I’d embarrass myself, I’d be stressed and anxious. My laissez-faire attitude is the wrong approach. I’m glad that I’m in a place where I feel secure, where no one can force me to do anything that I’m not in the mood for. I could sleep in. I could skip my French homework. I don’t need to plan my day. Whatever happens happens, what doesn’t happen doesn’t happen. The stakes are low. There are very few things I’m stressed or worried about. These things are optional as well. It’s a luxury.
But are the stakes really low? The stakes are low if the end goal is to live a low stress, anxiety free life. While I craved that life, mostly achieved it and could continue to live that way, that’s not the life I want. I don’t want my dreams and ambitions to die because of the desire to be anxiety free. I want to welcome stress and anxiety back to my life, but doing so selectively. As my financial situation improves, I feel judged by some. I reject that and I reject these people. I have no desire to boast how self-made I am because I acknowledge good luck, on the other hand, I have no desire to spend any time on people who are judgemental towards me, who most definitely came from a far more privileged background, who likely would inherit instead of supporting their parents, who likely didn’t experience poverty first hand.
So, what’s next? I still don’t know the answer. Luckily I’m in a fantastic position to experiment. This I’m sure of — it will be a journey with some stress, some anxiety, and a lot of fun.