When I was in university, one night before I went to bed, I quietly prayed, if there was really a god, please don’t let me wake up tomorrow.
I was never suicidal and I knew I’d wake up the next day. I did that as some sort of joke. I was having a rough period.
I never told anyone this story before.
I woke up the next day, I went on to graduate a few years later with great grades. Then I moved to Canada for grad school.
It was in Vancouver and things were ending between me and my boyfriend. For a few days I kept watching YouTube videos alone about left-behind children in China and each time I would cry. I felt tremendously saddened by what was happening to these children and what happened to me.
I never told anyone this story. That relationship ended because I was closed off. I couldn’t express all the feelings I was experiencing.
And many years later, I still can’t. I took me years to tell my close friends that I came from a small poor village in China. I was afraid to be judged.
Now I wonder why. Why was I so afraid to be looked down upon? Where did that pride come from? My mom?
When I visited my dad in Shanghai the summer I finished middle school, we did get looked down.
Every year when my birthday draws near, my mood darkens. What have I accomplished so far in my life? This year is special. This year I started seeing white hair. Fuck.
What bothers me at this stage of life?
I’m still quite closed off. I’m kinda selfish. I can be much tidier. I can’t communicate as straightforward as I’d like to. These are deep rooted issues and I don’t expect them to be fixed overnight. Or in a year or two. But I challenge myself to do better. To go out of my comfort zone. I should do a challenge where for two weeks I’m only allowed to communicate as direct as possible. Would be fun, no?
There are also just so many things I’d like to do. Write more. Make videos. Learn to edit videos. Read a lot more. Do more sports. Dig deeper into AI. Yet I’m not making a lot of progress on them. It irritates me.
Recently I watched the Brain Health series on Masterclass and it made me a lot more empathic to myself. Learning more about how the brain functions does more for me than the slogan “be kind to yourself”. Slogans like that can be too abstract sometimes. I started asking myself questions like “am I overwhelming my brain” more. Do I want to overwhelm my brain first thing in the morning by endlessly scrolling Reddit right away?
I’m disappointed that I’m not doing enough things but on the other hand I’m actually already doing a lot. I have a full time job. I follow financial news and take care of my finances. I’m learning French and Italian at the same time. I travel often. I work out regularly. I can improve by better prioritization and execution but blaming myself and getting anxious about it is just counterproductive.
The truth is, I have done pretty well so far. That night when I prayed, I didn’t expect life to turn out this way. I didn’t expect to be living in Europe at this point. I didn’t expect I’d be able to help out my parents to buy an apartment.
So cheer up, you fucker! ❤️