It was around 9:30 am on Christmas Day during a pandemic. Xin got on the train at Metrotown station. There was only one other passenger sitting at the other end of that car and she was talking on the phone. “Yes it sucks, everything sucks.” She said to whoever was on the other end. “But Merry Christmas!”
Xin was to visit his best friend Mike and return home to cuddle up with John and watch the Queen’s Christmas message together. John loves the Queen.
Xin and John met through a gay social networking app called Jack’d four years ago. Jack’d was popular and full of Asian guys who thought Grindr wasn’t for them — they wanted an app where they were less likely to receive dick pics and passive-aggressive questions like “why are you on here if you’re not looking for fun?” Jack’d offered them a prospect of more.
Xin grew up in a small town in central China while John was from a thinly populated town close to Edmonton. Xin knew nothing about Edmonton, or Alberta, and little about Canada at that time. Over a bowl of delicious ramen, Xin learned that Edmonton had the largest mall in North America, West Edmonton Mall, which used to be the world’s largest, and that John didn’t like Alberta where there were too many conservatives who, for one thing, valued oil money over the environment. And the fact that John was quite good at using chopsticks. John went to SFU and stayed in Vancouver afterwards because he loved it so much. The sea, the mountain and the cute guys. Xin told John his home town was little known but its name could be found on Wikipedia, on a page about the Great Chinese Famine. Xin confessed to John how he had thought Toronto was the capital city until a few weeks before his flight to Vancouver. He was about to finish his master’s degree in Computer Science at UBC. He didn’t do much in the two years he had been in Canada besides studying and then preparing for job interviews. His undergraduate major was Electrical Engineering so he had to catch up on some courses. John had a good chuckle about the capital error. A common and understandable mistake, he commented. Xin became less and less self-conscious and by the end had stopped worrying about his Chinese accent altogether.
While Xin was more of a passive listener, John asked a lot of questions.
“So you didn’t know anyone when you came to Canada?”
“No.”
“How’s dating life for a cute guy like you?”
Xin blushed.
John laughed a lot. Xin liked John’s laugh. It was light-hearted and reassuring. He also liked John’s scruffy beard, which was impossible for him to grow. He loved his reflection in John’s blue eyes — independent, handsome and intelligent.
They probably talked too long for the liking of anyone waiting outside that evening for a table at that popular Raman place. They eventually decided to head home — John had to get up early the next day. It was a busy ride from Granville Station and it got busier and a lot noisier when all the hockey fans poured into the train at Chinatown Station. Xin and John gave up chatting because they would have to yell to be heard. So they just smiled silently at each other along the way. They hugged goodbye before Xin got off at Commercial–Broadway Station. “Text me when you get home”, John said. Xin was walking towards the stairs of the platform — still smiling like an idiot — when he heard someone calling his name. He turned around and saw John right in front of him. John leaned over and kissed him. “Sorry I had to.” John apologized but he didn’t sound sorry at all. He had already rushed back into the departing train before Xin was able to react. That was the first time Xin kissed in public. They would hang out and kiss again the very next day.
A few weeks later Xin got a job offer at a small tech company in downtown Vancouver and decided to accept it. To celebrate, John suggested a trip together. They went to Banff, one of the few places worth visiting in Alberta (West Edmonton Mall not one of them) , according to John. Banff was astonishing and Lake Louise was gorgeous in early summer. They asked a stranger, a middle aged woman, to take a photo of them in front of Lake Louise. When she returned the phone to John, she gave them a compliment, “what a lovely couple.”
John framed the photo and put it up on his living room wall and when Xin and John moved into an apartment near Metrotown Station together a few months later, they hung it on their living room wall.
If it wasn’t for the Internet or dating apps, Xin and John would never have found each other. They had no common friends when they met and neither of them were into the gay clubbing scene. Even if they happened to run into each other at a club, it’s highly unlikely they would strike up a conversation. Xin thought it was incredible that a small town Chinese boy and a small town Canadian boy met and fell in love.
Mike, however, wasn’t enthusiastic about the relationship in the beginning. They had just graduated and Mike had expected an era of dating around and having fun together. Bars, clubs, dancing and flirting with random strangers. But gradually he accepted that Xin was too deep in love to star in Gay Sex and Vancouver with him.
Mike came from a wealthy family in Beijing and speaks perfect English. Xin, like many people, thought he was born here when they first met. The only sign saying otherwise is Mike’s real name, JiaMeng, but Mike had stopped using that because it proved tricky for some to pronounce. Mike speaks perfect Mandarin too. Xin speaks good Mandarin, with a regional accent. Having grown up with a disdain for rich kids, Xin didn’t expect them to become friends, let alone best friends, but Mike was not what he imagined. Mike was neither showy nor condescending. Instead he was direct, helpful and caring. He would politely point out some words Xin frequently mispronounced, in English and Mandarin, and offer tips. Of course, Xin thought, the rich kids have better manners too. Mike is 5’11 and two inches shorter than Xin. That inconsequential fact somehow quelled Xin’s feeling of immense inferiority and made a friendship possible.
It was the love for movies that bonded them. They would watch a movie in the theatre every other week. When classic movies such as Schindler’s List and Apocalypse Now came back to the theatres, they were there. But it was the conversations about the movies they watched and later, their own lives that made them more than movie buddies. They talked about their hope for Chinese cinema and its obstacles, about the movies they loved and then naturally, about the men in the movies that they were attracted to and about their types in general. Xin likes a scruffy but not over-the-top beard. He thinks a bearded Chris Evans is ten times hotter than one without. Mike prefers clean-shaved guys like himself. Jude Law. Xin agrees that Jude Law is one of the few who looks equally hot with and without a beard. Tattoos? Yes for Mike and no for Xin. Abs? Mike values them much more than Xin. In fact, Mike and Xin met because of Xin’s abs. One of Xin’s profile photos on Jack’d was a shirtless bathroom selfie and Mike messaged one day, “Hi… nice abs!”
When Mike first asked if he could touch Xin’s abs, Xin was beyond embarrassed. They had just finished a movie — Magic Mike — in Mike’s rented apartment off campus. Mike somehow convinced him despite the fact that the movie they just watched was called Magic Mike, not Magic Xin. Mike possesses that kind of influence over people. Hesitantly, Xin lifted up a corner of his shirt and Mike put his hand on Xin’s abs, closed his eyes and let in a satisfied breath. It didn’t feel sexual at all and that was when it became clear to Xin the nature of their relationship.
“I have now absorbed enough power to continue my gay life for another two weeks.” Mike let out that breath and withdrew his hand.
Mike shared his “to-do” list and the first item said French guys. They debated whether Mike could check that off in Quebec instead of France. When did they realize they were gay? For Xin, it was the huge crush he developed for a classmate during middle school. Mike knew the moment he saw the pictures of shirtless male models when he was nine or ten. Both became certain later through porn.
They talked about their upbringings. Xin talked about growing up how he had to reason about love because love was never explicitly expressed. He was expected to know and understand. He did understand when he got older and realized the sacrifices his parents had made for him. “But,” he sighed, “Why does love require deduction and reasoning? Why should love be an earned wisdom?” Mike talked about how he hated his busy schedule as a kid because his parents wanted to “cultivate his full potential”. So he decided to deliberately fail at various things so he would be spared of his parents’ well-meaning but cruel endeavor. He talked about the pressure of being an only child, thanks to the one-child policy, which made it harder to come out. He was envious that Xin had a younger brother. Xin was envious that Mike’s parents knew homosexuals existed.
By the time they graduated, they had become best friends. Mike’s parents bought a house for him and he invited Xin to live in the spare room, not for free but for considerably less than what it could’ve been. Xin joked that people like Mike were the reason why housing was so expensive in Vancouver. Mike responded, “I wish I was that powerful.” Also, “It’s cheap for you, so don’t complain.”
Xin used to question — and he loathed himself for that — why Mike treated him so well. Mike didn’t lack friends, especially Chinese friends. He participated in the Chinese gay social circle in Vancouver and everyone liked him, unsurprisingly. Mike added Xin to a WeChat group chat for Chinese gay guys in Vancouver over five years ago. Xin remained silent in the chat. He was silent at first because he didn’t know what to say and then stayed silent because he didn’t want to say anything. In between there was an incident.
Xin was still living with Mike then and Mike would regularly invite people from the chat group to hang out at his place. They would play the Werewolf game or do karaoke. Xin didn’t mind that because he enjoyed playing Chinese card games with them, which he hardly got to play any more since he came to Canada. One time during a card game the topic of dating came up and it became known that Xin was dating John, a white man.
“Ah, so you eat Western food.” The player sitting right across him commented, in Chinese. They almost always speak Chinese during those hangouts.
“Eating Western food” is a Chinese way of saying “potato queen”. Xin was surprised that the person at the other side of the table said it so plainly, in his face, as if that word didn’t have any negative connotations. It was more like a state of fact rather than a personal attack. It made displaying anger a ridiculous reaction so Xin didn’t react. He excused himself early from the game that day.
Why are there so many labels and why would anyone label someone they hardly know?
Mike comforted Xin later that day, “Some Chinese just don’t realize how insensitive some words are.” But they sure are eager to know the sexual preference of every gay person they’ve met or ever heard of.
Top or bottom? Top? Bottom? Really?
Xin had dated a Chinese back in university and got his heart broken. He barely talks about it because it’s something he would rather not relive. One day he found out that his boyfriend already had a boyfriend. Unknowingly Xin was the third person in a relationship for months. And at the end, that cheating bastard said he would probably marry a woman eventually because of family pressure. So what did Xin or the actual boyfriend mean to him? Would the woman mean anything to him?
The train stopped at Commercial–Broadway. Xin got off. And what do I mean to John? he thought. He had tried to come up with a new answer for two weeks. Two weeks ago John wanted his opinion on open relationships. John didn’t say he wanted one — but was he easing Xin into it? He told Xin about the rules a couple he knew established when they opened up their relationship.
The messiness and the carefully negotiated, neatly stated rules of modern love, Xin wants none of it. But are they the price to stay in love after all?
What does the Queen think of open relationships? He wondered. What a strange thought.
He walked past an old lady who was walking a dog in the park. The old lady smiled, behind a mask, at him and wished him a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, He replied. He felt bad that he had taken off his face mask a few minutes earlier because he didn’t see anyone around. What does she think of him? What does she think of the pandemic? What does she think of China? Probably not very flattering.
He might’ve seen the old lady in the park before. Mike had chosen him as his pandemic buddy and Xin had been visiting every week, sometimes a few times a week. Mike is still single, after two semi-serious relationships and several flings, and lives alone. His last roommate moved out in May and he decided not to get a new one during the pandemic. He doesn’t need the money anyways.
Xin exited the park and walked two blocks to get to Mike’s. Along the way he observed the Christmas light decorations in front of the houses. Half of them were already on even though it was only morning. Through the windows, he saw heavily decorated Christmas trees. Xin and John got their tree on the first Saturday of December. Mike, who is not a Christmas person, also bought a tree and put up Christmas lights in the front yard this year. Boredom makes people do unthinkable things.
Xin knocked on the door. Mike, still waking up, opened it and let him in. Mike has an enviable full beard now thanks to the pandemic. Does he have to be able to do that? Xin thought when he first saw that beard.
Xin took off his rain jacket and Christmas sweater and reached out for Mike’s beard. That is the new deal. If Mike is to touch Xin’s abs, Xin decided — and Mike agreed — that Xin should be entitled to touch Mike’s beard. The texture of Mike’s beard feels different from John’s. Mike put his right hand on Xin’s abs and closed his eyes. They don’t do that every time they see each other. Nor do they use it as a form of greeting. That would be weird. But Xin decided that was the first thing he wanted to do that day.
Mike almost finished taking in a breath when he sensed Xin’s hand on his right hand. He opened his eyes and looked up at Xin, puzzled. Xin looked into Mike’s brown eyes, his right hand still placed on Mike’s chin, found himself a bit lost too. That confusion gave rise in Xin an urge to kiss Mike, the urge to replace one confusion with another. Then at that exact moment between two confused minds, teardrops fell off Xin’s face. The urge dissipated and no kiss was to happen.
“You okay? Here, sit down.” Mike sat Xin down on the couch.
“I’m okay.” Xin was a little embarrassed, “Do you want to watch a Christmas rom-com with me today?”
“Don’t you need to get back for the Queen?!”
“I’ll let John know I’ll be here for a while. I can always admire Her Majesty on YouTube.”
“Gay Canadians and their love for the Queen.” Mike laughed.
Mike had said the exact same thing at a dinner party at Xin and John’s place not too long ago when dinner parties were still allowed. John and another gay friend, Chris, were talking about the ongoing drama of Megxit and how that must’ve upset the Queen.
“Oh, gay Canadians and their love for the Queen.” Mike shaked his head.
“Not just gay Canadians. Canadians in general like the Queen.” John said.
“I do like the Queen and the British.” Emily agreed.
“It’s because of, you know, the history. We are a commonwealth country.” Natalie added. Somehow she didn’t go for British Columbia. “And yes, Emily, we know your love for British men.”
All the Canadians at the table laughed in agreement. It was surprising to Xin how those otherwise liberal-minded people were in favor of an archaic institution.
“But seriously, do you not like the Queen?!” Chris asked. Yet it felt more like an accusation than a question.
“I like her alright.” Mike responded, “She seems…” There was a long pause.
“Nice.”
“What about you, Xin? Do you have a problem with the Queen as well?”
Xin felt like he had just been put in the spotlight. The Queen. Colonialism. Sodomy laws. Wars. Death. Looted treasures. Alan Turing. Kings and Queens in 2020?! Hello?
There was an argument somewhere in there but it would be a big undertaking for Xin, who also had too much wine at that point, to locate the appropriate words, the proper sentences and the right tone — to avoid offending anyone — to lay that out.
“I like her.” So he responded, “Actually I have been watching The Crown with John. I love the show!”
Mike frowned at Xin. What a betrayal.
“You know you guys will have to swear allegiance to the Queen to get your Canadian citizenship right?” John said.
“Can I swear it but not mean it?” Mike asked, half-jokingly.
“Well, if you want to lie to become a Canadian.” Chris shrugged. Xin was sure Mike no longer found Chris ”yummy”.
Then their most knowledgeable friend, the one who always explains board games rules for everyone and also the only Canadian at the table who took the vow to the Queen because of his job, told them the allegiance to the Queen is just symbolic. You can even recant that part right after the citizenship ceremony.
Two nights later while John was reading in bed, Xin emerged at the bedroom door in nothing but a Union Jack boxer brief. He knocked on the door gently to get John’s attention and said, with the best British accent he could manage,
“I heard at a dinner that you fancy an English lad.” It came out as a weird hybrid.
“And I thought your accent couldn’t get more adorable.” John threw the book out of the bed.
Xin lay on his side on the couch, curled up in a blanket and rested his head on a cushion. Mike sat next to the cushion and placed his right hand on Xin’s shoulder. They selected Xin’s old Netflix profile, where Mike had been watching horrible movies — just to see how bad movies can get, he claimed — so it wouldn’t pollute his own profile, and picked a doomed rom-com.
The Christmas rom-com was not going great. The heroine was clumsy, insecure but beautiful and charming, as always. At first she thought she didn’t need men but of course things would change in time. There was a big misunderstanding and that inevitably led to more misunderstanding.
Then it was quarter to 12. Mike paused the movie, a little too eagerly, fetched his laptop and then proceeded to make a drink in the kitchen. A Christmas chat with some friends. Xin was informed before the movie that there would be an intermission.
Turned out all the ten or so guys on the Zoom call were all from the gay chat group. Xin recognized most of them and at the lower corner of the screen he saw Jie, the one who commented nonchalantly about his Western diet.
The call lasted just over twenty minutes. One of the guys showed off his delicious baked goods. Another complained how hard it had been to fly to China because of the strict requirements the Chinese government enforced. Some lamented that they could no longer play cards together so they all agreed to play more frequently when things get better. One person came out to their family a few weeks ago. It was the pandemic, he said. Now he felt much better, it was like finally taking off a mask. Everyone congratulated him and one teased, “Are you sure it’s the responsible thing to do? Taking off your mask during a pandemic?” One teased.
When it was time to end the call, someone said, “Say hi to John for me!”
“Wish you and John a merry Christmas!” Another said.
“And a happy new year!” Someone else followed.
“Do you want to finish the movie?” Mike closed the laptop and asked.
“Yes.”
“Things are that bad hah?” Mike sighed, “let me make more drinks.” He got up and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Also,” Mike yelled from the kitchen, “I know you don’t see these guys as your friends, but they really are.”
The movie resolved the way you would expect it to and there was a happy ending. Our heroine ran into the arms of her Prince and they kissed. A happy ending. What a surprise. Mike looked disgusted, raised his glass and finished the drink.
Xin arrived home just before 3pm. John was reading in the yellow armchair in the living room. He asked about Mike and Xin told him Mike was doing great.
Xin put away his rain jacket and walked over, “I need to tell you something.”
“OK.” John put away the book and looked at Xin.
Now that he had John’s full attention, Xin panicked. He struggled to find what it was that he wanted to say. Now he became embarrassed. His face turned a little red. The silence had become excruciating as he searched for the words, the sentences and the tone. The anxiety. Say something. Anything. So he opened his mouth without knowing what was about to come out.
“I… don’t fancy the Queen as much as you do.”
Xin wasn’t sure why he used the word “fancy”. He wasn’t attempting British accent. Was that what he wanted to say? No. But once he said something, he became calmer and saner.
“I know.”
“I find her speeches to be too religious.” Even calmer.
“Okay.”
Xin reached out and squeezed John’s hand. “And I’m ready to talk.”